While perusing the CBS website--looking for a clue to the real reason why Donald Rumsfeld is appearing on Letterman tonight--I saw this banner ad:
Because it's still the off-season here (meaing, my term at the University hasn't started yet), I thought I'd do a little deconstruction on this mofo. When I saw this, my first thought was that the ad was for a website called "CBS Scares" instead of "CBS Cares." Wwhich, if you take into account the 800 CSI spinoffs which have single-handedly convinced my grandmother that a Vaguely-Latino man will kill her the next time she leaves her house, and will do so by with a poisoned fortune cookie and an old key while wearing a latex S&M suit, then yes, goddamnit, CBS does Scare. Of course, my grandmother matches the 34 hours a week she spends watching CSI--Dayton, Ohio! with constant check-ins with FOX News the way some people match Veal Picatta* with a nice bottle of Chianti, so maybe "CBS Scares," not so much.
Regardless, what is scary is the Gold Angel Font, which reminds me of gilt bibles and "Touched By An Angel," a show which my great-grandmother, Donald Rumsfeld-rest her soul, watched every night without tiring of. Probably because she eventually thought, through repeated viewings of said show, that she'd be lifted to heaven away by the cute angel, also known as THE ONLY MAN ON THE SHOW. Jesus Christ, grandma! Everyone's hot next to Della Reese, especially the Lone Male!
Tthe more I try to argue that CBS does not Scare, the more I think, you know, it sorta does.
So, to recap: grandma thinks Man of Vaguely Latino Descent will kill her; great-grandma thought John Dye will take her to heaven. Banner ad bad. Soup good.
Back to the freakish banner ad. So, we've established, against my better judgement, that CBS does Scare, but the question of the day is, does CBS Care? I don't know, but they sure know how to throw some random words in a banner ad! I mean, what does "Child Abduction," "Menopause" and "Mentoring" have in common, other than this banner? I see things like "Colorectal Cancer" and "Mentoring" together, and I simultaneously start humming that Sesame Street song ("One of these things is not like the others...One of these things just doesn't belong") while having flashbacks from the LSAT--a test that, while I did well on, I am still receiving shock therapy for.
And does CBS only care about these things? Is lung cancer not en vogue these days? What about skin cancer? And what about PMS? And how about Shoes? And assassination threats against Vaguely Latino Presidents? Grandma, are you listening? CHAVEZ DOES NOT WANT YOUR CROWN VICTORIA, GRANDMA! I SWEAR!
But back to CBS Cares. Let's be frank here. You know what this banner ad is? It's the result of a Committee of Marketing Geniuses. Marketing Geniuses who are trying, lamely, to reconstruct the nuances of Lifetime TV, but without the cheesy films, the hackneyed scripts, and the generous support of the Toronto Film Commission. Likely the same committee that brought us Smirnoff Ice, Fucking Multi-Colored Changing Cool People Pens**, and the War on Iraq.
Well, it's no Che Guevara baby doll tee, but maybe the banner ad will do.
* When I looked up "Veal Picatta" on foodtv.com, to make sure I was spelling it correctly, I found, horror of horrors, this recipe for Alligator Picatta. What the ever loving fuck fuck?
** Grim: What about those fucking multi-colored pens? God, I hated those because if you had one you were cool and I never had one because my parents thought it was stupid, which of course it was, becuase who needs a red, black, blue, and green pen all at the same time?
Terrible Mother says: Yes. I hated those. What are they called?
Grim says: Fuck if I know. Cool People Pens.