Terrible Mother: So, I need your advice on what to cook for The Sweet Boy for dinner.
Friend One: What are you considering?
Terrible Mother: Scallops.
Friend One: Scallops?
Terrible Mother: Yes, scallops. You know. They are small and tasty shell fish that you can buy in mass quantities at the local fish store. Or fishmonger. Jamie Oliver calls it "fishmonger."
Friend One: Did Jamie Oliver tell you to cook your boyfriend scallops?
Terrible Mother: Well, he implied it would work.
Friend One: Because Jamie Oliver is a chef, Terrible Mother.
Terrible Mother: Wait, are you saying I shouldn't cook The Sweet Boy scallops?
Friend One: Well, how committed are you to the scallops?
Terrible Mother: Not very.
Friend One: I think it's a bad choice.
Terrible Mother: Bad choice as in "white wine with pesto" or bad choice as in "goat cheese and Saltines"?
Friend One: No no. Bad choice as in "drinking three Jack and Cokes and having sex without a condom." Not that I know.
Terrible Mother: What? How can scallops be that bad of a choice?
Friend One: Listen TM. Scallops are finicky. The finickiest of the shellfish. They absorb anything you put in the pan with them, and even things in the same room. They are raw at 1 minute and tough as hell at 2 minutes.
Terrible Mother: But I'm a good cook! I can roast root vegetables! I make a mean mac and cheese! I know how to be a good bougie girl!
Friend One: Yes, but scallops? For a boy, TM? Look, you do what you want, but this is potentially what could happen: You cook the scallops. They are tough and chewy. He looks across the table at you, the table you've set with the china and the candlesticks and he will think "this girl can't cook at all! What am I doing here?"
Terrible Mother: That is so sexist! He won't think that!
Friend One: Well, if you undercook them he won't. Then he'll be puking up his guts and cursing the day he met you.
Terrible Mother: I can cook really well!
Friend One: Of course you can. I'm just asking you to think clearly here. Think about where this relationship is right now. Is it ready for scallops, TM? Because, frankly, I don't think it is.
Terrible Mother: Maybe you're right.
Friend One: Of course I'm right. I'm never cooking scallops for any man until we've done the 'til death do us part.
Terrible Mother: Then what will I cook?
Friend One (pause): How about an easy pork tenderloin?