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August 22, 2006

Comments

badfreak

It’s infinitely better than the previous draft I read.

However, I think you’re coming into the story too early. Would you lose anything you couldn’t live without if she were already on the stairs with the suitcase at the beginning?

The paragraph that begins, “In the yard, Nathaniel…” is awkward. Is it Nathaniel or Joshua who stood up and faced east? I can see where the Tom Dalley story fits in thematically (the whole of Nathaniel’s life is changing), and contains a great gem (the inspection of the beer before answering) but your transition back to Nathaniel and Becky is jarring in its attempt to be subtle. Bulldozers are threatening to roll over this guy from both inside and outside of his home, and you’re working too hard to turn it in to poetry.

Of course, I am too literal-minded for poetry, so take that for what you will.

LYMI

f

Terrible Mother

You mean I should start here? This is, like, four pages in.

See, I told you, this story isn't working yet. Motherfuck!

badfreak

Four pages in?

And these few paragraphs are the sum total of what's not working?

Terrible Mother

No, this is "Work in Progress." Not "Scenes I Jacked Up Really Badly."

badfreak

If you wouldn't mind, you could always send me the new draft?

I'd love to read the first four pages and then tell you to start on the stairs.

Seriously, though, send it, and I'll keep my mouth shut until asked.

badfreak

As you can tell from the first sentence, I am superBAKED.

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