One of my favorite chats with Friend Omega (and a little less maudlin and overwrought than yesterday's birthday post):
Terrible Mother: today, Thing Two said "I want to be Darth Vader for Halloween. And Willy Wonka when I grow up."
Friend Omega: You're looking at my resume RIGHT NOW, aren't you?
Terrible Mother: yes
Friend Omega: Did you explain to him that being Willy Wonka is going to require postgraduate work, and that he will need to start thinking about his professional references immediately?
Terrible Mother: yes
Friend Omega: And I'm guessing - just a guess, mind you - that it doesn't even come with dental. Which is a sham.
Terrible Mother: Dental? They don't even have Vision!
Friend Omega: Of course they do. Otherwise how would they know the difference between nougat and caramel?
Terrible Mother: the consistency, duh!
Friend Omega: The consistency? What, do you think they finger each batch as it comes to their workstation? Anyway, who is "they"? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE WILLY WONKA!
Terrible Mother: the OOMPA LOOMPAS! Christ! Do I have to explain everything to you?
Friend Omega: Who the fuck was referring to the Oompa Loompas? You said that your son wanted to be Willy Fucking Wonka.
Terrible Mother: The Oompa Loompas finger the nougat!
Friend Omega: If I had known that he'd settle for being an Oompa Loompa, I'd have been more forgiving. How are his chanting skills? Is he good at chanting after dismembering a child in the most vile ways imaginable?
Terrible Mother: But he doesn't want to be an Oompa Loompa. He wants to be Willy Wonka.
Friend Omega: I WAS TALKING ABOUT WILLY WONKA BUT THEN YOU TURNED IT INTO A DISCUSSION OF THE BENEFITS PACKAGE AFFORDED TO OOMPA LOOMPAS!
Though I have to admit that Darth Vader does seem like a good career path towards being Willy Wonka.
Terrible Mother: OOMPA LOOMPAS DON'T NEED BENEFITS! THEY LIVE IN A FACTORY! THEY ARE PAID WITH COCOA BEANS! THEY ARE WHAT GOD INTENDED WITH NAFTA!
Friend Omega: First of all, that was not funny. Second of all, you are the one who brought up Oompa Loompas' benefits. You are having this conversation with yourself!
Terrible Mother: that's it, Omega!
Friend Omega: Oh, for God's sakes... all I said was that Willy Wonka doesn't get dental, which sucks because he does, after all, make candy.
Then you went off on your tangent about Oompa Loompas not having eyes and fingering the nougat with their little Oompa Loompa digits.
Terrible Mother: but Willy Wonka's dad is a dentist! HE DOESN'T NEED DENTAL!
Friend Omega: Perhaps the current Willy Wonka, but if Thing Two were to become Willy Wonka, are you insinuating that John would then give up his Fabulous International Law practice and enter dentistry?
Terrible Mother: I hate this game.