Me: I'm getting a lot of responses to my personal ad.
Fort Awesome: Yeah? What kinds of things did you put in there?
Me: Lots of the smart and funny. You know, like I tell that story about how Jon and I bought each other completely dissimilar Christmas gifts that one year.
Fort Awesome: You put that on a personal ad?
Me: Yeah. It's funny and punchy and I revised it a few times to make it work.
I also wrote about that time you said my house was sponsored by the Dairy Council.
Fort Awesome: So basically what you're telling me is that you're using your MFA to construct the best personal ad ever?
Me: [thinking] Shit. I think I am.
Fort Awesome: That is a depressing commentary on our society.
Me: The fact that it takes an MFA to write a good personal ad or the fact I'm $60k in debt and all I have to show for it is a good personal ad?
Fort Awesome: [pause] Are those my only options?
Two months ago, post-AWP:
Thing One: Are you crying, Mom?
Me: A little.
Thing One: Did someone break up with you again?
Thing One: Was it The Nefarious but Adorable Poet?
Me: What?! I haven't even said anything thing about him!
Thing One: You showed his book to five people. You never show anybody's book to anybody.
Terrible Mother: Dating is a nightmare.
Friend Omega: Dating is fun. I'm having a blast.
Terrible Mother: It's awful! How anyone even procreates is beyond me!
Friend Omega: Well, you have three children. So if it's beyond anyone, you should not be the anyone.
Terrible Mother: Shut it, Omega.
Friend Omega: Okay. But really, I'm having fun. It's frustrating and annoying at times, but really it's fun. I get to tell my same tired, boring old stories to new audiences!
Three words that would scare anyone right out of dating: Raw Food Guy.
Friend Omega: I don't know, TM. Have you considered dating someone from the state of Oregon?
Fort Awesome: that picture of you on the dating site is not ok.
Me: which one?
Fort Awesome: Are you wearing a cowboy hat?
Me: You don't like that photo? It's cute! Everyone loves that picture!
Fort Awesome: Are you wearing a COWBOY HAT?
Me: It's an ironic cowboy hat!
Fort Awesome: What, like an ironic swastika?
Tim-Tim: Why do these people have to be smart to date you?
Me: Why? Because I fall into long-term relationships like saber-tooth tigers fall into tar. Or something like that.
So all, after some really bad goings on (really bad; terrible, in fact, to the point I don't even know how to write about them) I've decided to officially Stop Dating. No more men. None. I will write and garden and knit and watch Buffy and Battlestar Galactica and not think about men.
Also, I'm thinking maybe I should change my tip jar title from "Will Blog for Food" to "Will Blog for Vibrator," but that might be a little outre, do you think?