Divine Intervention

Friend R: I just glanced at your last sentence, just as the window disappeared behind a dialogue box that popped up on my screen. And all I got from my glimpse was "nicer because pregnant" and I had a very brief moment of panic for you. Immaculate conception is nice and all, but even if God impregnates you with magic sperm, you're still pregnant.

Terrible Mother: I am on Depo-Provera. Something even God cannot overcome.

Friend R: Okay. I'm archiving this chat. God is so gonna knock you up now.

Terrible Mother: But I'm on Depo. Still on Depo. This is because, the night Jon and I broke up, I was sitting on my couch, crying, snot running down my face, hiccuping like a moron, when I remembered I was due the following week for the shot. "But I dunno, guys," I said to Friend One and Friend Two. "Should I still even get it?" "YES!" they said in unision. Proving, once and for all, that they must think I'm easy.

Friend R: Well, best to be prepared and all that. Besides, from what I hear, God's a deadbeat dad. Knocks chicks up, then pretty much kicks 'em out to fend for themselves. no child support, no visitation, no christmas card. As a father, God kinda sucks. I'd stay on the depo, just to be sure God doesn't decide to really fuck your life.

Terrible Mother: Hold up. Can you imagine me with a Child of God? A God Offspring? That would not be okay.

Friend R: Sure it would. I could be the fun uncle. The world would be so much better if I were the Messiah's uncle. None of this crucifixion bullshit. "You're the Son of God -- rain some hellfire on those bastards. Christ, stop being such a wuss."

Terrible Mother: What exactly does hellfire even look like? Napalm? Flaming hair jelly?

Friend R: Only flamy.

Terrible Mother: Well, I think it's flaming hair jelly. Flaming pomade, if you will.

*tm

Comments

[Alana]

TM, haha, I loved this post!

XXOO
A

P.S. Isn't your friend so right? God is a deadbeat dad, the First Deadbeat Dad. Wow, that sounds like a title for a great . . . poem, story, blog post, sermon, rebel yell, something!

[Friend Omega]

"If He ever did come back, if He ever dared to show His face, or His Glyph or whatever in the Garden again... if after all this destruction, if after all the terrible days of this terrible century He returned to see... how much suffering His abandonment had created, if He did come back you should sue the bastard. That's my only contribution to all this Theology."

--Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"