Miscellany

In the past few months my AWP plans have suffered more ups and downs than the Republican Party. A month ago, I was certain I couldn't go, as I was pretty much told that by my employer. Friend One had something approaching a meltdown when I broke the news to her.

"Just call in sick!" she said.

I squelched the urge to tell her I was no longer 18 and employed at Round Table Pizza and instead mentioned how that might not be a good idea. She sighed, dramatically, which she is wont to do, and then said, "But Friend Two won't come if you don't come."

"Pshaw!" I said. "Of course he'll come."

Two hours later, Friend Two's email read: There is no way I'm going unless you're going.

Besides knowing I could not be the weak link in the Holy MFA Trinity of Friend One, Friend Two and me (myself? I? They are all interchangable, right Omega?), I was looking forward to hanging out with Lynn, Kevin (Kevin!), Stoic but Socially Inept Writer, Squeaky Clean Poet, flirting with random poetry editors and telling them, drunkenly, "You're going to publish Friend One, right?" while ordering another Bombay Sapphire and tonic, and meeting The Nefarious but Adorable Poet, formerly known as Huckleberry, perhaps the worst name ever used on my blog. Ever.

So, I did what any girl in my situation would do--that is, what any single girl with three kids, a secretarial job, an MFA, and an old score on the LSAT in the 99th percentile burning a whole in her pocket like so much loose change would do. I got out my union contract and read that mofo from front to back. And I discovered the Holy Grail of government employment: the loop hole.

And, now, weeks later, I am officially allowed to attend said event.

Friend One owes me at least one drink, I think. At least one. In fact, you all owe me something. Except Friend Two who has spent the past few weeks gnashing his teeth trying to talk Singing Love into going as well.

********

On ThanksEarly, Friend Two and Tragically Hip Single Mom were in my front room with me, hanging out. THSM was teaching me how to knit, and the Things and THSM's daughter, Feral Child, were running in and out of the house, playing. Then Thing One pointed at Friend Two. "You," she said, "should date her." And instead of pointing at me (THANK GOD) she pointed at THSM. There was a moment of embarrassed silence.

"Thing One," I said, "Friend Two has a girlfriend, remember?"

"Yeah," said THSM. "And I have a boyfriend, Dark Horse. Remember?"

"Well, you can just dump him," Thing One said. "And you two can get married."

So, from now on, I think I should call THSM "Mrs. Friend Two."

*******

I have to take a Power Point class in the morning. For three hours. Just kill me now.

*******

After meeting and hanging out, Friend Two proclaimed that Tragically Hip Single Mom's blog name should be "Fatally Hip Single Mom."

I didn't tell him that she had already zinged him but good, saying, "he looks like he's super-high maintenance."

He is FHSM. He is.

*******

FC and Thing One were in the backseat of the car tonight on the way home* when they started talking about a substitute that neither of them likes. One of them, I could not tell which one, said, about the substitute, "She has really bad handwriting because she's so pretty."

Best non sequitur ever.

*******

Fort Awesome came over tonight to drop off cash for Thing One and Two's fundraiser at the First Name School and she brought her new boyfriend, Way Too Bashful to be a Republican**. At one point, Thing Three was trying to talk to someone through one of the Superman walkie-talkies in the house. Way Too Bashful to be a Republican pointed out that, while she was talking into one, the other was sitting in front of her, turned off, so she couldn't talk to anyone.

"What?" she said loudly.

"The other one is right there," he said.

At which point, Thing Three made a guttural sound, much like a wildebeest***, grabbed both walkie-talkies in her fists, and put the antennae--plural--in her mouth.

Because she is feral.

*******

I am becoming addicted to knitting and Buffy. Tonight I watched an episode of Buffy while working some alpaca wool from Chile into something resembling a scarf. It's like I'm 60. A really hip 60, but still. 60.

*******

I just realized I am going to be alone for 8 days. In December. During the week of my birthday. No kids. But also, all friends will be out of town. At the holidays.

Kari? Where are you Kari?

*******

Fort Awesome tonight at my house said, "Family dinners were always uncomfortable at my house. No one talked." Then she visibly brightened. "Unless the dogs were there!"

*tm

*Often, I pick up FC for Terribly Hip Single Mom and bring her home with us, where she hangs out for 20-30 minutes until her mom gets out of class. THSM thinks it's a big pain in the ass for me to do that, but it's really no big deal. Seriously, THSM. Look, I've posted it publically, even.

**I was going to say "Way Too Nice to be a Republican," but then I thought that bashful was actually more unusual. He's sweet and kind and articulate. And voted for Bush both times. GAH!

***Yes, it is spelled that way. I looked it up.

Comments

[Fatally Hip Mrs. Friend Two]

Heh, didn't I sign my e-mail "Mrs. Friend Two?"

OK, OK, I just can't believe anyone would do anything nice for me by choice. You want FC, you take her! Sheesh!

And thank you, thank you, thank you, for the pellets above and the HIlarious stories and the pretty = bad handwriting and the candy.

[Terrible Mother]

I still haven't told the story of Thing Two trying to let you down easy: "I really like you, but I'm dating Cecelia."

Every time I think about it, I laugh out loud.

I think my house must sound like an amusement park or circus or something.

Shut up, Fort Awesome.

[Mrs. Friend Two, Fatally Hip]

You have raised that boy right. He actually had concern for me, and wanted to be both honest and sure I'd survive somehow.

Aw.

[Kari]

i'm here
and
i'm laughing at your hilarious post today
every story was gold

let's hook up on your birthday
i'll drive up
what do you say?
you're 60...we should keep you off the roads at all costs from now on.

[Kari]

do you know how many pictures i could make from this blog post alone?
a dozen, easy
i'm printing this out

[Kari]

one more thing
can we please get a legend or a guide up on the sidebar to keep track of all the hilarious names you're coming up with for people?

[Friend One]

you mistakenly called friend two by the name of friend one. multiple times. this is nearly unforgiveable. also, i don't have to buy you a drink at awp because i've already bought the hotel room. duh, you're beholden even if you don't sleep there. whore.

sorry, did i mention i was drunk?

[Terrible Mother]

I am paying for half the room, dammit! I am not beholden for that!

Kari, that's an genius idea. I'll start on it straight away.

[Friend One]

also, i told you so about friend two: he won't hang out with me unless you're around. or we're at a bar. or there's a rock for him to climb.

[Friend Omega]

i have given up on grammar, for it has given up on me.