Miscellany: The End of Dating Edition

Me: I'm getting a lot of responses to my personal ad.

Fort Awesome: Yeah? What kinds of things did you put in there?

Me: Lots of the smart and funny. You know, like I tell that story about how Jon and I bought each other completely dissimilar Christmas gifts that one year.

Fort Awesome: You put that on a personal ad?

Me: Yeah. It's funny and punchy and I revised it a few times to make it work.

[pause]

I also wrote about that time you said my house was sponsored by the Dairy Council.

Fort Awesome: So basically what you're telling me is that you're using your MFA to construct the best personal ad ever?

Me: [thinking] Shit. I think I am.

Fort Awesome: That is a depressing commentary on our society.

Me: The fact that it takes an MFA to write a good personal ad or the fact I'm $60k in debt and all I have to show for it is a good personal ad?

Fort Awesome: [pause] Are those my only options?

*****

Two months ago, post-AWP:

Thing One: Are you crying, Mom?

Me: A little.

Thing One: Did someone break up with you again?

Me: No!

[pause]

Sort of.

Thing One: Was it The Nefarious but Adorable Poet?

Me: What?! I haven't even said anything thing about him!

Thing One: You showed his book to five people. You never show anybody's book to anybody.

****

Terrible Mother: Dating is a nightmare.

Friend Omega: Dating is fun. I'm having a blast.

Terrible Mother: It's awful! How anyone even procreates is beyond me!

Friend Omega: Well, you have three children. So if it's beyond anyone, you should not be the anyone.

Terrible Mother: Shut it, Omega.

Friend Omega: Okay. But really, I'm having fun. It's frustrating and annoying at times, but really it's fun. I get to tell my same tired, boring old stories to new audiences!

*****

Three words that would scare anyone right out of dating: Raw Food Guy.

*****

Friend Omega: I don't know, TM. Have you considered dating someone from the state of Oregon?

*****

Fort Awesome: that picture of you on the dating site is not ok.

Me: which one?

Fort Awesome: Are you wearing a cowboy hat?

Me: You don't like that photo? It's cute! Everyone loves that picture!

Fort Awesome: Are you wearing a COWBOY HAT?

Me: It's an ironic cowboy hat!

Fort Awesome: What, like an ironic swastika?

*****

Tim-Tim: Why do these people have to be smart to date you?

Me: Why? Because I fall into long-term relationships like saber-tooth tigers fall into tar. Or something like that.

*****

So all, after some really bad goings on (really bad; terrible, in fact, to the point I don't even know how to write about them) I've decided to officially Stop Dating. No more men. None. I will write and garden and knit and watch Buffy and Battlestar Galactica and not think about men.

Also, I'm thinking maybe I should change my tip jar title from "Will Blog for Food" to "Will Blog for Vibrator," but that might be a little outre, do you think?

*tm

Comments

[Alana]

Well, seeing as you've never even owned a goddamned vibrator, yes! You should blog for a Red Zinger. (Available at www.blowfish.com) at an extremely affordable price. If I remember correctly I paid less than twenty bucks for my happy fellow; he's energetic and accomodating . . . and not noisy at all. Anyway, when you forget this whole "I'm Not Dating" thing in four months, you can introduce your Red Zinger to your new lover. Big Fun.

Love,
A

[Liza]

You. Slay. Me.

This is all.

[belgium]

Alana,

What does it say about the state of this planet when guys like me can be replaced by a "Red Zinger"?

Wait.

Don't answer that.

Belgium

[Alana]

Belgium, are you sure you don't want me to answer that? :-)

A

[belgium]

Twenty bucks for a Red Zinger?!?

Let me tell you, I'm a lot cheaper than that. And that's not even counting the cost of batteries.

[Kari]

you
dont
have
a
vibrator?

that explains some things

[Terrible Mother]

Am I the only girl without one?

Oh God. This is worse than not knowing Ken Burns, isn't it?

[Friend R]

Pretty close, *tm. I mean, even *I* have a vibrator.

....damnit.

[badfreak]

With a little research, every time you orgasm, you could call out the name of one of the engineers who made it possible.

“Oh, thank you, Chester Orbach! Thank you Kwan Le! Thank you, Tiger Toys Think Tank!”

Anyway, my friend Angie (a certified expert in all things phallic), makes the following recommendations.

Having one vibrator is never enough. Why limit yourself? Vibrators don’t get jealous. Vibrators don’t expect you to be faithful. Go for a range of sizes, shapes, and functions.

Avoid anything cheap with a lot of moving parts. You’ll be lucky if it lasts more than a session. Avoid anything with fluid in it, even if it does feel real.

It doesn’t always have to vibrate. Pyrex dongs can be refrigerated or microwaved, are dishwasher safe, nearly unbreakable, and can be used as a weapon in case of emergency.

Hope that helps. Or, and, while she talk about this tonight, I'm sure she'd want me to mention that vibrating nipple clamps sound like a lot more fun than they actually are.

[Alana]

I'm telling you, the Red Zinger!

The Honey Bear is also adorable and provides a less intense buzz.

I own both.

Belgium, are you flirting with me? Hope so.

A