Terrible Mother: The Comment Revue, 2006

One of the best things about *terrible mother is the readership. I've got loyal, smart readers here, and any blog which can sustain a lengthy debate regarding the sentimentality of the postmortem worship of Kurt Vonnegut has some kick-ass people commenting. So, as an ode to y'all, I'm posting my favorite reader comments of 2006.

First, the faux-frustrated at Terrible Mother posts:

you mistakenly called friend two by the name of friend one. multiple times. this is nearly unforgiveable. also, i don't have to buy you a drink at awp because i've already bought the hotel room. duh, you're beholden even if you don't sleep there. whore.

sorry, did i mention i was drunk?
-Friend One, to Miscellany, 11-2006

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Just a few notes:

1) When you asked me to deal with your wasp problem, you offered me a stick. I suggested the wasp-killer spray, and you apparently purchased it, but only after I'd already gone to deal with chickens. Granted, I'm man enough to take on a wasp nest armed with nothing but a stick, but I'm not stupid enough to do so.

2) If you give handjobs like you hold a pool cue, then I'm glad I'm gay. Not that you're offering or anything.

-Friend R to Miscellany, 8-2006

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Good god, woman. Stop braying about things you've brought upon yourself. Finish the test, ace it like you know you will, sleep for a day, and then fuck the life out of sweetboy.

I'm sorry to be the one to have to say it

-badfreak to It's Almost Over (and brought on by my complaining of the MFA Exam)

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What makes you think I don't already know about amputee sex?

Also, the fanbase thing? Seriously. Get over yourself.

-badfreak to What the Hell Is Love Anyway? (and brought on by my announcement of dating an amputee and declaring I had a fanbase. Let it be known that Freak took back the latter at a later date. Oh yeah, I think it was the post immediately following the one in which he told me to get over myself. Not that I'm keeping track).

*****

Second, the non-sequitur posts:

You say OCD with bathrooom stalls like it's bad thing.

-Kari to Miscellany, 8-2006

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handjobs difficult? maybe not. to do well? hmmm...

see, the thing with receiving a handjob from someone else is that it's moronic. when the recipient at one of these lame, sophomoric attempts at intimacy, i generally look down (literally and proverbially) with pity and sadness in my eyes.

sometimes, i remark that "baby, you're dealing with the master." trust me... i can do that quicker, better, and much more efficiently on my own. you're just embarrassing yourself. like emeril's mom insisting on making turkey at thanksgiving and it comes out all dry and gross and BAM! mom just let me BAM! make the BAM! turkey next BAM! next BAM! next year.

i think emeril has tourette's.

-Friend Omega to Miscellany, 8-2006.

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Terrible Mother's Favorite Haiku:

There's this guy I know.
He's a real fucking asshole.
Yes, that guy is you.

-Friend Omega, in Poem of the Week.

*****

Third, kid-related comments, which I big heart:

I love it when they dress like flatchested and relatively demure college freshmen. LOVE IT. Love the forays into accessorizing, glitter, hairties and wheeled sneakers. My own feral child asked me if she could use my deodorant the other day--she wanted very much to slide it onto her pristine underarm. I had to go into my room and laugh.

-Fatally Hip Single Mother to Miscellany, 9-2006.

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My kiddo is already worried about shaving, as in his balls. I kid you not!!! He has told me twice he does not want to grow hair on his balls, and I told him, "It's OK, honey. It won't happen for a while." (See I read him this book called "What's Happening to Me: A Guide To Puberty," which is a marvelous book, and we had fun reading it together, and it sparked a great discussion, and so I recommend it to other parents for sure) but ever since then my kiddo doesn't want to grow hair on his balls.

God, I know, it makes me laugh.

Anyway, so then he came up with the idea he'd shave his balls. Except ten minutes later he said, "But that might hurt."

So I told him, "Listen, honey, by the time you get hair on your balls you won't mind it. Trust me. You'll have other things on your mind by then."

-Alana, to Miscellany, 9-2006.

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I think that a book about a single mother taking a road trip with her three young children sounds like something I would never read, even should I live to be a hundred.

-Friend Omega, to Have Kids, Will Travel.

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This is the sort of thing they'll use against you when they're trying to justify sticking you in a home somewhere:

"Well, there was the story of my birth put out on the internet, so, yeah, let's go with the cheapest place we can find."

-badfreak to Happy Birthday Thing Two.

*****

Fourth, what I call Little Bumper Cars of Witty Repartee*:

I did NOT mean to suggest that you used your vagina to cook a turkey. I mean...it wouldn't really be warm enough to be safe from bacteria, would it? Not that you're full of bacteria or anything. Remember "The Accidental Tourist" 225 degree oven? I'm sayin. My body temp tends to run a little low. I could maybe pull off warm tapas olives and chickpeas.

And - a turkey's pretty big. Well, HUGE really, so there's that to consider. I'm not saying it couldn't be done. Someone's probably doing it right now. And maybe someday you'll figure out how to do it and show the rest of us.

Right?

-Pink-Haired Housewife, to ThanksEarly.

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I like Miracle Whip, the as-yet-unmentioned eye-patch sporting best friend who likes to put Miracle Whip on his fries.

-badfreak to Friend One Rules.

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"friends with money" is the second best film i've seen this year, after "thank you for smoking."

i didn't find it depressing. i found it very touching and beautiful. i like characters who are as empty inside as i am.

-Friend Omega, to A Gin and Garden.

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And you must read the entire the entry (and comments, natch) entitled Austin and Everything After, part II, which was only interesting because of the barbs Friend Omega and badfreak slung around.

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and, finally, perhaps my favorite comment of 2006:

david bradley thinks that he is the r. lee ermey of creative writing.

–Friend Omega to Former Incarnations.

*tm

*yep Fort Awesome, I totally stole that from you.