Before I launch into my typical miscellany-type post, where I bring together disparate scenes of my life, I would like to welcome you to the newly redesigned Terrible Mother. And I need to give credit for the design to Sweet Blog, which did a bang-up job.
Anyway—on to the miscellany.
A conversation with Friend R:
Me: Do you have that recipe for no-knead bread handy?
Friend R: Yeah, I can send it to you.
Me: Does it work?
Friend R: It must because all the hipsters have had the chance to go from "I love it because I'm the only one doing it" to "Everyone's doing it so it's not cool anymore” to "Damn, that's some good bread. But don't let my cool friends know I'm using it."
Me: I didn’t know hipsters ate. I thought they rode single gear bikes and bought uncomfortable furniture.
Friend R: Do you know what the newest trend in self-righteous hipper-than-thou cooking is? Grinding your own wheat to make bread.
Me: What. The. Fuck.
Friend R: The name dropping is insane. "My grinder's Danish because the Danes know some shit about grinding wheat." Right. They've been grinding wheat for centuries. When they weren't out raping, pillaging, and stealing other people's flour because grinding it yourself is a pain in the ass.
(pause)
Me: The Danes stole flour?
***
I was invited to this potluck wherein parents from Thing Two and Three’s elementary school are together and discuss the merits of changing the cafeteria offerings to healthy (and likely organic food). We’re each supposed to bring a dish that’s something we’d like our kids to eat at school. I am totally behind this idea, but I keep thinking of making some anonymous-looking casserole and labeling it “Trans Fat Sprayed with High Fructose Corn Syrup!”
Am I a bad person?
***
A conversation with my mom, about her upcoming wedding:
Mom: So, my colors are off-white, champagne and…mermaid blue.
Me: “Mermaid blue”? Is that a color?
Mom: Yes. Sort of aquamarine.
Me: I see.
Mom: So the girls I’m gonna get dresses for in the mermaid blue color. But you can pick whatever color you want out of those three.
Me: Okay.
(in the background, Thing One starts pantomiming choking herself).
Me: Thing One is really looking forward to that.
Mom: Well, good! And tell her we’re going to attach seashells to everyone’s dresses too!
***
Excellent Swimmer (a new character!) and I have three kids between us that go to the same elementary school. It’s a new school, having been a combination of two other schools--Eastside and Potter--with two different demographics. One day, we started talking about those demographic differences.
ES: Yeah, I worry sometimes about the Eastside parents because they have more money, and you know how that goes.
Me: Yeah, I know.
ES: Do you know anyone from Eastside?
Me: Sort of. There’s this one guy.
ES: How do you know him? Work?
Me: Actually, we dated for awhile, I guess.
ES: You dated, you “guess”?
Me: Well, he eventually came around to telling me he wanted me to be his “second wife” or something. Maybe second girlfriend? I don’t know. He’s married.
ES: What?
Me: Yeah, I’m not kidding. We went on three dates before I even knew he was married!
ES: Oh my God!
Me: Right? So you’re worried all the Eastside parents are going to all be classist. But mostly I’m worried they’re gonna be polygamists.
(pause)
ES: Which is worse?
Me: Good freakin’ question.
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